i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
