then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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