can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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