My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
