Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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