I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
