my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
