In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
