You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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