Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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