I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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