Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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