on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
