i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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