just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
