Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
