Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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