I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
