all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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