Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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