Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
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