i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
