no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
