I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
