In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
