the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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