I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Help. Why am I so naked?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
