the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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