I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
