The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you have to choose: penises or morals?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Randomize
