You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
