You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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