you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
