I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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