there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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