I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
