Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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