Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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