just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
