I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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