I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
