I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
