i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
