Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
