She went from zero to smokin in five shots
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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