I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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