Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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