And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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