I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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