Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
