i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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