Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
well you can't waste a boner
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
And then he peed in my hair
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