I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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