there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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