Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize