We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
