Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Even my vagina gasped.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
