I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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