just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
