Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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