brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
